Roots of bitterness

Earlier this year an event happened whereby someone said a few things which got to me. I was angry about it, frustrated and resentful. It stayed with me for a while even though I moved on practically but, as is often the case, the bitterness hung around. From experience I knew that the only way to deal with it was to pray through it. I follow a number of principles which I have learnt through the years where I pray forgiveness for the person and blessing for their well-being. This usually works and I can gain a sense of peace about the situation having left it in God's hands. But this time, something wasn't right.

Over a number of weeks, even months, when I remembered what happened I still felt that pang of resentment and bitterness over the situation. I felt ripped off and cheated and regardless of praying for the person and situation, it still sat with me. Until recently, I was unsure what was going on.

It was when I was praying through the situation again that God helped me put my finger on something else going on inside me that was causing the negative feelings.

I realised that the feelings were coming more from how I perceived myself than how I perceived the other person.

I realised that I was actually more angry with myself than the person involved. I was cross with my own reactions, I condemned myself for not doing more or saying more regarding what happened. I felt that I had allowed myself to be spoken to badly and disrespectfully when I could have easily said or done more to be firmer about a number things things spoken about. Basically through all of this:

I realised that I actually needed to forgive myself.

The negative feelings that had stayed with me were actually generated by my view of myself more than the person involved. I was angry with myself and condemning myself because of how I believed I should have responded (obviously, it is made worse because even that is based on having hindsight after the events!). Having realised this reality I prayed differently. I then proceeded to work through what happened by praying release, forgiveness and blessing over myself, cutting off feelings of anger, resentment and condemnation systematically according to God's word as those feelings arose.

I think a key lesson for me, which I hope you will receive from as well, is that we need to search for the source of our feelings, especially damaging ones. A memory which generates those feelings may not be from the source you think it is. Or the feelings could come from multiple sources each needing to be brought to God. Feelings are indicators, they are responses to something, unless we get to the root of that 'something' the feelings will remain.

Learn to forgive yourself as well as others in light of the truth of God's word, and don't give up seeking the root of negative feelings such as condemnation, bitterness and resentment. God wants you to be free of living with them. These types of feelings hold you down, tie you up and limit you. Empowerment comes from pursuing freedom from these things and Jesus, to the praise of his glory, is in the business of setting captives free.